Change Requires A Shift In Perspective

I had a wonderful conversation last night with a friend of over 10 years, Tracy, who, like me, is in a very different place than she was when we met. The difference that came up last night is that we have both shifted our perspectives and are now operating from a place of self-acceptance. And I am so happy that both of our paths brought us here. So now I have to rant about self-acceptance because we all need it and we aren’t all getting it.

Last night we were doing a meditation. I’ve been practicing for some time and recently took a class to learn to teach meditation and mindfulness. My meeting with her was my first foray into leading someone on my own. I didn’t plan it to be her, but it ended up being a very meaningful experience for me. She was there for me through some of the hardest moments of my life. Meditating with her was a bit like bringing together who we have become. I needed that.

As we talked, I got to ask her some questions that helped me better understand her experience and how it relates to my own journey of bringing meditation and self-acceptance to others. Tracy is an artist, an Agile Learning facilitator, and an ADHD coach for homeschool families. Her journey with her own neurodivergence has been slightly different than mine. I fall more toward autism, and while there is some overlap, the ADHD journey is not mine. It is important to me, as it impacts people close to me, and it is so helpful to have the perspective of people like Tracy to inform my parenting and how I interact with those who have ADHD.

I asked her to help me understand how meditation has affected her in the context of ADHD. I have research and scientific opinions, but most of those come from the neurotypical/productivity perspective. That usually means focusing on how an activity moves people more toward neurotypical behavior and expectations. But as we talked, I learned that Tracy’s journey has been about accepting herself as she is and meeting herself where she is. So, while many people focus on things like how meditation can help you focus or find more capacity for physical stillness, her primary benefit was that it helped her make emotional space for herself which served her goal of mental wellness and self-acceptance. My ingrained prejudice toward the productivity perspective meant it took a journey of questioning before I got to that person-centered perspective that allowed me to move past the “concentration and focus” goal.

She meditates to feel better, in the moment and about herself. Samesies.

As much as I think I have moved out of the trap of the self-improvement industrial complex, I still find myself sliding back in. There was a time when I was unwell, physically and mentally, and all I wanted was to be a “productive member of society.” But being a “productive member of society” isn’t a good fit for me. I can’t buy in anymore to the idea that my value is dependent on my output as it supports materialist purposes. But there’s still so much that I have to unlearn in this journey. And I get reminded regularly.

But what are we aiming at if our value isn’t based on what we produce?

I believe that our value is in who we are. So the goal is to become morally, ethically grounded people. And we start by meeting ourselves where we are, learning to be with ourselves. We have to learn to tolerate ourselves and see ourselves as we really are. We have to stop holding up a yardstick that was imbedded in us by other people. We don’t do this by looking at ourselves and saying “yes, this is good enough.” That’s still a yardstick, we've only stopped beating ourselves with it. We have to look at ourselves and just say “yes, this is where I am.” Because this IS where you are. In this moment. And if we want to be happy and experience any kind of peace we have to do it right now. It isn’t sitting waiting for us at some future date. That’s not how experiences work, and happiness and peace are an experience.

It’s not easy. It takes work. The work of learning to do nothing. The work of learning to feel differently about yourself. The work of learning to tolerate the uncertainty of this unfamiliar process. Because it is so backward from what you thought the work was. We were taught that the work was a climb, a journey, a process of acquisition. So sitting here and being still, learning to accept and even love ourselves in the moment, and learning that simply being is more important than what we have is so upside down from where I was taught happiness was, and probably from where you were taught it was. I have a print of the Hanged Man from the Rider-Waite tarot deck on my wall and a medallion I wear to remind me of this. Sometimes what you are after requires a complete shift in perspective to even see. Sometimes a sacrifice is required to get it.

The scariest part of setting out like this for me was the fear of losing what I had, the sacrifice. A lot has changed, but the losses aren’t what I thought they would be. Some close friends journeyed with me. Some I fell away from, then we found each other again. All of your relationships change when you change. You hold space differently once you learn to hold it for yourself. And that’s what all of this is, self-acceptance is a process of learning to hold space for yourself. It allows you to hold space for other people. It allows you to create space between yourself and what’s harmful to you. It gives you a place to sit when the world is hard.

How many times have you been told to find your happy place or imagine yourself somewhere safe in order to cope with something? I didn’t have that inner space. I had to build it. It was by learning to tolerate being with myself and eventually accept myself that this inner space was built. It allows me to step back and think about things before I react. It allows me to enjoy the moment. It allows me to ask for what I need and cope when I don’t get it.

Maybe self-acceptance isn’t the cure-all panacea that will fix the world. But it’s one of the biggest things I can identify that’s allowed me to be who I am today, and I love being who I am. I spent forty years hating myself, so that’s saying something.

As I sit here writing this I feel a real joy for myself that I can feel this joy. I feel joy for my friends that have found a way to accept themselves. I feel joy that there are people out there that I don’t know, or maybe I don’t even like, that accept themselves. I feel joy that I have the ability to share these thoughts and that they will reach other people. Perhaps some of you reading this will find joy in these things. I feel joy at your potential for joy.

I feel joy that I could have a conversation that led me to this moment.

There are so many paths to self-acceptance. Find yours and you will find your joy. Just look at how peaceful that Hanged Man is.